John McCain: Illegal immigration no longer a problem

Not only has he declared victory in Iraq, McCain has now announced that the illegal immigration problem is fixed, and that we shouldn't worry our little heads about it any more.

No, really:

Border state governors have certified and the American people recognize that after tremendous improvements to border security infrastructure and increases in the border patrol, and vigorous prosecution of companies that employ illegal aliens, our southern border is now secure. Illegal immigrants who broke our laws after they came here have been arrested and deported. Illegal immigration has been finally brought under control, and the American people accepted the practical necessity to institute a temporary worker program and deal humanely with the millions of immigrants who have been in this country illegally.

In his next surprise announcement, McCain will reveal his cure for the common cold and how to make teenagers keep their rooms clean.